Sweet Home Teotihuacan

Claudia, who was probably once Klaus, barks something in German. "Gin and tonic?", is my hopefully response. "EIS?" she screams at someone 12 or 14 rows behind, all the while making bulging eye contact with me. Give me my effin gin and eff off, i want to shout, but this woman is scary, and i have a cold, and I'm starting to sweat, and can only nod. If she offers me lemon i'll probably surrender Poland. 

This plane is taking me to Mexico, a place to which i've been excited about returning since about 4 minutes after I left it the last time. I've had mixed experiences going back to places. New Zealand gets better ever time, Thailand slightly worse. Of course, there are some places you should never go back to. LA for instance. Or any conversation with Americans about coffee, who inexplicable hold Starbucks up to be the best. As though combining a watery espresso shot with a litre and a half of burnt milk in a small bucket marks, on the evolutionary scale, the pinnacle of coffee presentation.

Those same Americans are afraid of Mexico. North of the border they believe that it is dirty, smelly and dangerous - a description considerably more appropriate to New York. In reality Australia is more dangerous for backpackers, and the United States itself is more dangerous for its own citizens. The fear is irrational, although if you are a drug trafficker or a policeman - and presumably bad at what you do - there might be something in it. For the rest of us, it is a warm, friendly, clean country, with welcoming people, stunning scenery, and exceptional food. i'm very happy to be going back.

New Year's Eve - A review

A shameless attempt to remake - for an American audience - Love Actually - a decent, if sentimental British comedy about a disparate but connected group of people in London in the run up to Christmas. Remaking any European comedy is done by following a number of basic rules, most of which have easy touch points in this dreadful effort:

- move the action to New York. Most Americans don't know what or where Europe is, but they labour under the delusion that NYC is cosmopolitan. Because it's New York, you need to have a slow tracking shot over water rising to reveal the (slightly less so since 2001) instantly recognisable skyline sometime during the opening credits. Dispense with climactic concerns and show New York being bright and sunny and warm, despite it being the middle of winter (average December New York high temperature: 7 degrees centigrade).

- remove any religious symbolism, for example, transplant the action from Christmas to New Year's Eve.

- cast a large number of semi-recognisable American John Actors, like That Guy What Used To Be In That TV Show, and That Chick Who Is Always Making Terminally Unfunny Comedies With Seth Rogan. 

- also cast - because this is New York - Sarah Jessica Horseface.

- crucially, cast a respected actor, unused to comedy, in one of the key roles. Hilary Swank is someone who knows how to act (but doesn't here). More importantly, Hilary Swank's agent is someone who knows how to do accountancy. 

- remove all foreigners from the movie, and cast a positive-discrimination-friendly number of African Americans. If no rappers are available, try a stand-up comedian, but don't let him swear.

- remove all humour by whittling down all jokes to two long running, laboured situation comedy gags better suited to (and better used in) situation comedy TV shows. 

Verdict: Watch it with the sound down and make up your own dialogue. Except for Jon Bon Jovi's bits, they are so bad as to almost redeem the whole film.